Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
