Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can't put those talents on a resume
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
