Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
