Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
