Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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