Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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