I hate your face
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
