When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
