I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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