why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
