Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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