I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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