I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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