Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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