I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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