Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
