I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
