My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
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