I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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