i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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