I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
