Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
