Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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