On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
