I think my vagina is haunted
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
