Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
