2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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