drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
