do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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