Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I don't deserve a penis
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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