Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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