Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
