i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
is it fun? or sober?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
