my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
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it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
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You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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