I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Randomize
