how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
