well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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