I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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