On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
