can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
