I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The Olympian is in my bed
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