she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
foreskin is a definite game changer
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
