Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
