if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
