Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
