just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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