My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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