she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
