If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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