I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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