I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
