I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
