I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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