idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
