i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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