By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
