i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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