Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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