I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
