Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
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The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
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I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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