i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
